Has a sense of calm descended on me now that I have finally taken the leap of faith? Nope. I went from feeling a tremendous sense of loss last night mingled with hints of relief. What I desperately wanted to feel was light and excited because I had done something risky and I don’t want to catastrophise on what could go wrong. Yes, folks, I quit my job with no other job waiting with open arms for me to run to.
Last night I told my friends that I had never done such a thing before. But this is not true. I have done it, at least two times before and both those times did not end well. That could be why I am trying to breathe deeply and listening to calming music right now in an attempt to dull the primitive part of my brain that screams for security.
Did I think things through? Not as much as I should have, probably. However, it was definitely time for me to move on, to have a challenge and to grow. Over the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of inner work, meditating almost daily, practising gratitude and questioning, questioning my life, where I want to go, what’s holding me back, my need for security vs. growth. Trust me when I say it was not easy, this decision to resign from the job I have held for 3 years. It was no longer serving me, and due to changes within the company structure it was affecting my mental health to the point where I would find myself going through cyclical depression for 5 out of 7 days a week. This has taken its toll on me mentally and for me to ignore that could only be folly.
I am aiming to write a lot more, it helps me stay grounded, to have a place to put down my words, read them back to myself at a later date and just to assess and understand my state of mind. Right now I am terrified and at risk of slipping into old patterns of behaviour, of gloom and doom. BUT the difference is that I am aware of this, I know that my mind is trying to protect me, to keep me safe and if it thinks the only way is to stick to what I have known until now, then I will change it. My mind is not my master, I am its. To change your mind, in the true sense and not in the, “I’ll have a scoop of chocolate. No! Wait! I’ll have the pistachio.” To change your mind, to change your mindset, to question your beliefs and replace the ones that do not serve you with ones that resonate with your very being, with your purpose, now that is a change we should all embrace.
I am resuming my journey that started 6 years ago, because I thought I’d reached a destination and stopped doing the work. The truth is the journey never ends, there is no destination, there is only now. And now I choose to grow.