I Quit My Job

Has a sense of calm descended on me now that I have finally taken the leap of faith? Nope. I went from feeling a tremendous sense of loss last night mingled with hints of relief. What I desperately wanted to feel was light and excited because I had done something risky and I don’t want to catastrophise on what could go wrong. Yes, folks, I quit my job with no other job waiting with open arms for me to run to.

Last night I told my friends that I had never done such a thing before. But this is not true. I have done it, at least two times before and both those times did not end well. That could be why I am trying to breathe deeply and listening to calming music right now in an attempt to dull the primitive part of my brain that screams for security.

Did I think things through? Not as much as I should have, probably. However, it was definitely time for me to move on, to have a challenge and to grow. Over the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of inner work, meditating almost daily, practising gratitude and questioning, questioning my life, where I want to go, what’s holding me back, my need for security vs. growth. Trust me when I say it was not easy, this decision to resign from the job I have held for 3 years. It was no longer serving me, and due to changes within the company structure it was affecting my mental health to the point where I would find myself going through cyclical depression for 5 out of 7 days a week. This has taken its toll on me mentally and for me to ignore that could only be folly.

I am aiming to write a lot more, it helps me stay grounded, to have a place to put down my words, read them back to myself at a later date and just to assess and understand my state of mind. Right now I am terrified and at risk of slipping into old patterns of behaviour, of gloom and doom. BUT the difference is that I am aware of this, I know that my mind is trying to protect me, to keep me safe and if it thinks the only way is to stick to what I have known until now, then I will change it. My mind is not my master, I am its. To change your mind, in the true sense and not in the, “I’ll have a scoop of chocolate. No! Wait! I’ll have the pistachio.” To change your mind, to change your mindset, to question your beliefs and replace the ones that do not serve you with ones that resonate with your very being, with your purpose, now that is a change we should all embrace.

I am resuming my journey that started 6 years ago, because I thought I’d reached a destination and stopped doing the work. The truth is the journey never ends, there is no destination, there is only now. And now I choose to grow.

Self Sabotage

Ever been in the position where despite your best intentions you end up sabotaging yourself? Yes? Then I’m glad you can relate. I feel that is what I have been doing for the last two months. I was so busy having a shitty April, one that forced me to abandon the things I was pursuing with full steam ahead for a couple of weeks, that it then made me stall from picking up the pace again. What am I talking about? Let me tell you.

April started off with me noticing that my beloved cat had a swollen face when I came home from work on a Sunday evening, Yes, I used to work Sundays. It’s every bit as depressing as it sounds. Having the next day off I decided to take him to the vet, who went from smiling to the kind of face you adopt at a graveside within seconds. It turns out my cat had been in a fight with another cat, the other cat had either bitten or clawed at mine and this resulted in an abscess. In the middle of his head all the way to his nose. Look it up, it’s scary and quite disgusting. Not a great start. It turned out he would need emergency surgery and possibly skin would need to be borrowed from his legs to close the impending hole on his head. The latter did not happen, they were able to patch up the hole on his head without further trouble; the hole in my bank account though has nothing to borrow from to patch it up.

While my cat was recovering at home, dazed and with a plastic cone around his head that threw off his depth perception, I received the news that I had been approved for lease on a studio apartment. It was out of my budget but my peace of mind was waning fast at my current house, with noisy, messy housemates. To top it off, despite strict instructions not to let my cat out, it happened numerous times. I decided to bite the bullet and take the studio. Then came the expenses that arrive with moving house and having to buy things you didn’t need to when house sharing because the chief tenant had all the appliances and things. I now have a rather unnecessarily large armchair, a sofa I have coveted for years, a vacuum cleaner, several odds and ends I didn’t know I would need to have a live-able space and peace of mind. I have gained much, and monetarily lost much too.

With all the worry over money and transitioning into a new more demanding role at work in a bid to gain annual leave, I am working an extra day of the week, but making the same as before. Where has that left my preparation for writing a PhD proposal, you ask? Behind, in the dust. My PhD proposal is languishing, forgotten, like the lettuce that sits in your crisper, wilting, inspiring you to name that compartment of your fridge ‘the wilter’.

I don’t know if anyone out there in the world is even reading this, but if you are, send good wishes. If you are a PhD student, please reach out to me, tell me it’ll be okay. I mean it’s no big deal, just the point on which my entire future is now pivoted. So you know, nothing major.

*Inhales deeply*

Flannel Pyjamas 

REPOST:- Trigger Warning: Plastic — The Rambling Mermaid

As a scuba diver, I’ve gotten to see the devastating effects of plastic first hand. On a dive in Mexico I passed a hawksbill turtle with a plastic bag wrapped around it’s mouth. I tried to get close but the turtles in that area don’t usually approach divers and although it wasn’t too comfortable with […]

Trigger Warning: Plastic — The Rambling Mermaid

Today I am sharing a post that deeply resonated with me and how I think about plastic in relation to our oceans. I was about to write a post of my own (which I will do anyway) but wanted to share what The Rambling Mermaid has posted. And as I said in my comment to her post, I am not a diver, I am not as physically up close and personal with the plastic pollution in our oceans – but that does not mean I do not care about it deeply. We are all here because of our oceans, the fact that we can live on this hospitable planet where the conditions are just right is due to the oceans. Literally none of this, no land, no people, no animals, nothing would exist if it weren’t for the oceans.

As Silvia Earle put it so simply: “No ocean, no life. No ocean, no us”.

Flannel Pyjamas 

A Plastic Ocean

My earliest memories of the ocean involve more sand than water. Where I’m from only fishermen or men actually went into the ocean. Women and children would sit on the sand, gaze at the expanse of roaring water in front of them and eat ice cream or roasted peanuts. I knew fish came from in there, I loved fish, it was probably the first meat I ate in my life. But other than the fish on my plate, I didn’t know much else about the ocean.

I know a lot more now, and my greatest regret sitting here typing this today is that I did not know enough about it when I was a child. Because then I would have chosen an entirely different path in life – but since time travel hasn’t been invented yet (and even if it had been I doubt I’d be able to afford it) I will do what I can with the knowledge and ability I have today.

Have you seen the documentary “A Plastic Ocean”? If not, please watch it, it’s available on Netflix. If for some reason you are unable to watch it, I will summarise some of the points I jotted down in the first 10 minutes or so of the documentary.

  • 63 million gallons of oil are used every year to supply the U.S. only with plastic water bottles.
  • More than 90% of these bottles are used only once.
  • The U.S. alone throws away 38 billion bottles every year, i.e. 2 million tonnes of plastic going into landfills, and that’s ONLY water bottles.
  • In 2016 every man, woman and child consumed about 300 pounds or 136 kilograms of single use plastic.
  • More than 300 million tonnes of plastic were produced in 2016.
  • Half of these plastics will be used only once.
  • By 2050, this production will have tripled, i.e. over 900 million tonnes.
  • Over 80% of ocean plastic comes from land based sources.
  • Over 8 million tonnes of plastic are dumped into the ocean every year.
  • Approximately 70% of plastic debris sinks to the bottom of the ocean.

My question to you is, do these numbers mean anything to you? Is the scale imaginable? Or are they just numbers, really big numbers that you are unable to visualise because you’ve never really seen anything in the millions, let alone billions? I would really appreciate you taking a minute out of your day to let me know, because it would be a vital part of my initial assessment of where to base my research.

Thank you.

Flannel Pyjamas